I’m innately a happy girl. I look for what’s good in things. I have a funny bone and I know that things always work out for me. This has been coaxed into me by Life and all the rollercoasters that I’ve jumped on. Some have been doozies! But I had the rare emotion of dread return a few days ago…
Last week I bought a house. Feeling the looming deadline of the end of my Del Mar lease, I jumped at an old 1926-era house, cut and pasted together multiple times, Contractor 101 Style. It’s in a new ‘hood’ where I’ve never lived, sketchy parts and beautiful parts, overlooking the bay of San Diego. After you get through the strip joints, tweakers and hookers on the side of the road, you get to the harbor where yachts and sailboats are moored, and up the hill is ‘my’ house. Optimist that I am, I enthusiastically envisioned taking out walls, extending the balcony, new kitchen, gut the downstairs into a gorgeous studio…all trying to talk myself into a house and seduced by multiple offers while I was in Indonesia under the sea! Meanwhile, I hadn’t figured in the cost of these delusions and the P/E ratio should I not love living there. Alas, I plunked down the money. Done deal. And that not-so-little voice within started badgering me, ‘What have I done? How could I have been so stupid?’.
Fortuitously last week I had an appointment with my chiropractor who is a good detective and he sorted through my aches and pains that all pointed to my having opened the door to ….dread. It seems as though when we experience these destructive chemical storms they remember the pathway and can be activated again. His sleuth-work revealed the last time I felt so vulnerable and that I’d done something irrevocable: the afternoon I impulsively and angrily marched into our home in Fiji and told my husband that if he was so unhappy, we should end our marriage. The immediate torrent of events that ensued made me fear that all was hopeless, that I wouldn’t have what it took to figure everything out alone. So that old memory (thoughts that are created by chemical combos) regurgitated the irrational fear that I now couldn’t trust myself. And that is what had me so wiggy.
So you know I couldn’t let that go on. These are the times that call on me to up my game. On a little orange post-it I had written the following from an Abraham event:
This can be as good as you want it to be, or as bad as you don’t want it to be!
I took that note with me everywhere to remind myself moment to moment that my feelings are the 3..2..1, the ignition and the blast-off to either really really good results or really really bad ones. Totally up to me.
With all I’ve thrown into the mix of my life, learning, traveling, family, friends, my art and wanting to rev up my career, I’ve totally goosed up the momentum. I feel time flying by, so much to do I could not possibly be bored, immobilized by indecision sometimes, but bored? Never. This event has reminded me that I can slow things down before they get so gnarly by meditating more, walking in the silence of nature, being kinder to myself because I’m worthy of trust. Self trust. And also since I do love the positive momentum, there will be change and choices and some resistance. Jolie played a Jason Mraz song for me the other day, Life Is Wonderful, all about this topic of contrast:
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished…
Life unfolds. Flowers unfold, wings unfold, plans unfold, children unfold and if it all happened at once the mystery and celebration and relief of discovery would be missed. So much good has happened already with what I thought was a debacle and the pivot point was knowing that until I created new feelings, the results would be destructive. For now, I’m backing up, looking through new eyes, seeing it as a transaction and that we always have choices. I’m the Captain of my ship and Master of my Soul!
Maybe I’m to learn something from those strippers and boat owners!
Be kind to yourself this week. You are the most important person to put your trust in.